BIG E REPORTS: NEWS AND VIEWS ON TODAY'S SALTAIRE SCENE
EDITORS NOTE: YOU CAN WAIT ALL SUMMER BEFORE YOU SEE A NEW ISSUE OF THE FIRE ISLAND NEWS. FROM HERE ON THIS IS THE PLACE TO GO FOR SALTAIRE NEWS IN 2009. CONTRIBUTORS, EDITORS AND EVEN ADVERTISERS ARE ALL WELCOME. JUST CONTACT US AT THE LINKS LISTED ON THE COLUMN ON THE LEFT.
THIS IS THE FUTURE. THIS IS NOT THE WORLD JOURNAL TRIBUNE -- THE FIRE ISLAND NEWS IS NOT COMING BACK. THE SALTY SPRAY, BLESS ITS HEART, IS NOT COMING BACK.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN SALTAIRE THIS SUMMER??2009??
JUST CLICK WWW.SALTAIRE38.BLOGSPOT.COM
YOU WANNA POST YOUR SOCCER SCORES, SOCIAL NEWS, SOFTBALL STANDINGS? LET US KNOW. RUN AN AD? TALK TO US. TALK FIRE ISLAND HISTORY? WE HAVE BEEN SPECIALIZING IN THAT FOR YEARS NOW AND WE ALWAYS WILL.
INTRODUCING "BIG E REPORTS: THE SUMMER OF '09"
INTRODUCING OUR LATEST COLUMNIST, "BIG E,"AN ACCOMPLISHED SCHOLAR WHO RETAINS A RUNYONESQUE EYE FOR PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS. THIS IS THE FIRST OF HER WEEKLY COLUMNS. GO BIG E: (Note from E: Jim uses "weekly" loosely.)
BIG E REPORTS:
THE SUMMER OF '09
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Frank Whitney Announces "The Worst Ever!"
Frank Whitney Announces "The Worst Ever!"
"This was the worst spring ever," Frank Whitney of the Saltaire Market lamented early Saturday morning as yet another beautiful morning dawned in Saltaire, and people bought the 50 cent daily paper for 2 bucks, and paid 4 dollars for a half pint of yogurt and a banana. No, he was not referring to the coffee in the old sweet shop (which is the same as ever, no better no worse) but the numbers of people out in Saltaire this spring. Statisticians insisted the figure could not be measured but apparently, after ten progressively worse "worst springs ever" this year has indeed, again, sunk even lower.
Meanwhile, the ball field is in tip top shape but no one can walk on it. As is the beach, beautiful, tip top, also unwalkable. Unless you're a piping plover.
Dr. Bob insists that everyone is a cheap b#%$@d giving but a dollar each to the collection plate at 11:00 Mass while he alone generously forked over a sawbuck. We think. As usual, Bob was the collector and can keep track of these things. God forbid he should keep an office hour on Sunday.
Frank M. parts with a few chits and buys a couple lucky friends a drink in turn for their patience in hearing out his monologue on the helicopter ride in New Zealand ten years ago. Was that when the bad springs started in Saltaire?
Has someone painted over the smiley face on the old brass ball outside Village Hall that is not actually brass, but painted brashly?
Lastly, Will Bennett stands alone early Sunday morning casting out to the sandbar perennially just beyond his reach where all the fish are jumping, as usual. It's the worst spring ever.
The sun is out, the boards are new, the limes are fresh, the air is salty. It's the worst spring ever.
- Big E
Click in soon for the next episode of
Big E Reports-- the Summer of '09.
Coming to you through the internet.
4 comments:
Hey! There was lots of interesting feedback via email on this! Where's the comments folks?
"Big E" seems to have the pulse of the community--As for the bamboo found illegally abundant throughout the community--talk amongst the remnant old timer element is that it was imported to Saltaire from Vietnam by disgruntled Army veterans of the village. The ultimate natural infiltration fauna. Beware of the water supply--it has high Agent Orange levels.
Bamboos from 'Nam? Absolute nonsense.
The bamboo plants are descendants of the ten foot bamboo poles that athletic director Uncle Pete Kurachek (1954-1964) used in swimming lessons to gently push the kids faces back into the water if they turned up for air too soon. He would walk up and down the swimming dock as all the kids were practicing kicking and turning their heads in and out of the water to breathe.
Descendant bamboo?--Hogwash!
Uncle Pete's 10 foot bamboo torture pole is safely locked up in a hermetically sealed research room in the Smithsonian in D.C. Reportedly Saltaire has requested Federal stimulus funds which are being utilized by a prize winning group of researchers to determine ways of "cloning" the "Big Stick" for usage in Red Cross swimming programs in blue states throughout America.
Speaking of "Big"--perhaps "Big E" should try and find out the answer to an "origination of species" question that has perplexed residents since 1964--namely squirrels--how did they settle on a remote barrier island. Was this also part of the same madness of the Vietnam era that saw the beginnings of the present day "Bamboo" biological terrorism that threatens to engulf and choke the community? Let's see if "Big E" has the investigative journalistic expertise to ferret out the truth to this question.
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